Fiber Audits

Let's try out a brand spankin' new metaphor here: FIBER AUDITS.

Premise: Think of your body -- in regard to how it responds to insulin "payments" -- as a big, scary IRS. You've got enough issues with its incompetence, being the bureaucratic behemoth that it is, not to screw things up in the first place without needing to screw things up yourself.

Even when they've written into their own code that certain carbs are deductible: FIBER.

Yes, this is in the code, but the code is tricky. You don't fully understand the code, and you're not an idiot -- you can even follow the storylines in pretentious Swedish existentialist films on occasion.

You have to learn early as a diabetic (if you want to keep your sanity) that nothing really goes for everyone. Diabetics are the trodden-upon mass taxpayers, non-diabetics are the ones who always seem to know how to cut corners and cheat and swindle and nip and tuck their way into the next highest tax bracket, where, ironically enough, they will pay even LESS in taxes.

Er, point being, ya can work to change the fact that you're a downtrodden diabetic at the behest of an incomprehensible system, but you also need to do the best you can to keep your head above water.

Enter FIBER AUDITS. I, being a downtrodden taxpaying diabetic, have been led to believe by doctors and nurses and websites and nutritionists that I can safely deduct fiber from my insulin taxes. 5g here if you opt for the blander cereal and -- my gosh, this MUST be a mistake -- a whopping TWENTY-ONE GRAMS (out of 30) for whole wheat tortillas!

I'm a guy who enjoys a nice, plain quesadilla. A simple-pleasures type. Flat bread and cheese. And to throw in this bonus of five or more times the amount of fiber I'd usually get (trade-off usually being a distinct cardboard flavoring) for a still-tasty treat! Finally, the downtrodden get a break!

Oh, if only it were that simple.

See, I understand the code. But fact is, every time I do a fiber deduction, I get AUDITED. Alarm bells go off and, when I try to sneak in that unthinkable twenty grams of fiber, I get SEVERELY audited. 320 BG in an hour, with a pre-meal BG of 109. No pump obstruction -- because the Insulin Revenue Service misfiled my return papers LAST NIGHT (i.e., standard-issue blood-spurtin' pump malfunction!) and I already cleared it up with them in the bathroom as it happened. I've too recently learned not to sit on these problems and to correct immediately, never to assume "they'll be open in the morning" -- and I'm not afraid of using some foul language to get my point across.

So I could sit here and gripe all I want that I'm a downtrodden diabetic getting screwed by the (delivery) system (which I am), or that it's not MY fault my body is a complicated series of utter catastrophes (which it isn't) or that by all rights I'm entitled to my fiber deduction and BY GOD I'll claim it! Because I can't. Because every time I do, I get audited, and getting a fiber audit is a pain in the ass.

So instead there's the (slightly less pain-in-the-ass) alternative: pay in full, even though I'm entitled to the deduction, and deal with the "refund" (=hypoglycemia) later. And heck, I can even think of it as a refund -- pay a little extra up front and enjoy a bag of almond M&Ms, or a Sesame Street juice box (now in Cookie Monster ORANGE -- what, was "cranberry" too much of a no-brainer??), or a handful of pretzels. It'll get me exactly what my real refund gets me -- a simple pleasure -- and won't affect my overall financial/insulinial situation one damn bit.

And that's when you take a deep breath and remember what the wise E.B. Cooper once wrote about PERSPECTIVE, via two inkblobs in her influential underground comic strip "Inkblobs #3":

Inkblob 1: "Having perspective" helps one realize the true consequences of one's potential actions in the entire scheme of one's life, decreasing agitation, anxiety, and a worrisome sense of personal unimportance.

Inkblob 2: My perspective sucks.

[EDIT: Of course, you can't rule out the possibility that you're getting audited AND there was a mistake with the paperwork. Not only did I not get enough insulin for what I was eating, I also didn't get any insulin (thought the high seemed REALLY high) because there was a second pump obstruction in 24 hrs. Grrrr. BG back down to 120 by bed.]